On the FLIP Side

The Football Recipe Book: Create your very own media controversy

Written by Jordan Willis

This juicy dish has the potential to feed a nation from Monday morning until Saturday afternoon, and with the right technique leftovers should be there to be picked at for an entire season. Football fans and tabloid journalists are a ravenous bunch who are constantly on the lookout for new and exciting dishes to consume, and we are here to teach you how to whip up this week’s vogue dish – the Sour & Sour sauce tabloid special.

Sour & Sour sauce coated mediocrity.

Key ingredients:

Lidl quality Chelsea home performance

Portuguese Sour & Sour sauce

“John Fearn” salad leaves

And finally, the most important ingredient

“Eva” style sweet potatoes.

The first, important step in creating this dish is to take hold of your Fearn leaves, cast them aside and completely forget about them. Fearn leaves are boring and tasteless, and no one ever creates a juicy slice of gossip with a bland foodstuff when there are sweeter, riper pickings available.

Now it’s time to smother your home performance in the special Sour & Sour sauce, making sure to cover every corner of the dish. Leave the performance to soak in the sourness for 30 minutes or so. We recommend using your Courtois brand ticking time bomb to judge how long the Sour & Sour sauce should settle into the performance. Whilst you are waiting, sauté your ‘Eva’ sweet potatoes by just letting them touch your prized frying pan, before letting them rest once more on the work surface.

The key to this dish is in the presentation. Plate up your sweet potatoes on a side dish that is adjacent, but not in contact with the main plate. Don’t they look lonely and defenceless? Sweet, innocent potatoes.

By placing the sweet potatoes in their own separate side dish, one is able to beautifully take away the attention of the mediocre home performance. To the average consumer, sweet potatoes make such a rare appearance in the Football Recipe Book, that regardless of how the sweet potatoes actually taste or compliment the dish, many readers have only ever taken notice of their delightful appearance and smell. Combined with the Sour & Sour sauce, the people eating the dish should barely be able to recognise just how average the performance is. Some astute readers may notice that this bears a striking similarity to our “Mind Games” plating technique we used excessively in previous editions of the book – but we feel this gives a fresh twist on an age old classic. Those tabloid hyenas won’t be able to resist picking at this.

About the author

Jordan Willis